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June 11th

Electronic Entertainment Expo

It’s been a long time, thanks to all of our staff members being kidnapped and held for ransom in North Korea. Did you know they don’t let you go on the internet over there? But that’s a story for another time…

If you didn’t know, E3 is happening right now, one of the largest gaming conventions of the year. It’s a chance for the big three to grab stockholder interest, daze the fans, and bring them to their side, by showing off cool new games and systems. However, throughout several days of big reveals the biggest was that of a project that Nintendo, Microsoft and Sony are working on in conjunction.

Satoru Iwata had this to say:

"We’re living in a time where the upcoming Ouya console is the biggest threat we have to face. Phil Spencer, Kazuo Hirai and myself sat down to talk about the Ouya. Unfortunately Mr. Spencer did not speak Japanese, so he was only able to nod in agreement every so often."

"We agreed that we would have to team up, despite our differences, to take down a common threat. The Ouya declared war on us, The Big Three. Ms. Julie Uhrman, if it’s a war you want, it’s a war you shall have."

Immediately after, Iwata, Spencer and Hirai each decapitated a captured OUYA Inc. employee with a sword painted in the colors of their respective consoles, and shouted to the old gods for help in the oncoming fight against Ouya. After this, a short trailer for the system played on the screen. Play U One.

It was only earlier this year that Hirai’s father was murdered by OUYA Incorporated’s in-house executioner, beheading him and leaving his head on a pole outside of Kickstarter’s headquarters. This was the first stone thrown in the battle between Ouya and Sony. Iwata’s family was betrayed by Uhrman, when they received an invitation to a wedding thought of as an olive branch, they quickly found out that it was not what they expected. Only Iwata was able to escape with his life.

Across the street, Uhrman’s army is already in place, having set up its own convention for the Ouya in a parking lot. Their main attractions? Food trucks and free beer, a tactic despised as cowardice by many.

"She has no honor, she doesn’t care how she wins the battles, only that she does." Spencer had to say about this. Each group’s movements have been careful, neither wanting to give ground to the opposing force. Iwata has grown paranoid, and refuses to travel outside of an armed guard of twelve men.

"Iwata is a paranoid fool, Hirai is an aging fool of an older generation and Phil Spencer… Well, I’m really not sure what he’s doing."

There’s no telling who will win the Console Wars of E3 2013 at this point. The last reports on the Ouya’s forces were that they’ve only half the beer left, and that the Mexican food truck has a flat tire. Meanwhile, Nintendo and Sony are planning a tactical approach to Ouya’s camp to offer a last chance at peace. Phil Spencer was last seen trying to juggle two baseballs at the same time.

-Ajar Denims

JUNE 6TH, E3LAND:

Viktor Brooks and I hurried up excitedly to the Microsoft press conference. Surely there conference would be the most riveting one we thought, and boy were we right. We did not expect what we would see.

It started out when Xbox 360 lead developer, Greg Gorgias walked out on stage to much applause.

"I’ll be honest when you guys. We actually don’t have much… So how are you all doing today?"

Gorgias walked among the crowd, sitting down every once and awhile to talk to reporters. He’d ask them about their families, how their wives and kids were doing, what site they wrote for. He asked Viktor and I if we were married. Viktor, in a drunken state, said yes. I quickly corrected that statement, telling him we were co-writers for the same site.

Head developer of Halo 4 at 343 Studios came out a minute later, Daniel Barclow. Barclow and Gorgias shook hands and talked on stage, while sincerely apologizing again for the fact that they didn’t really have anything.

"We have some dubstep later on… Uhh, honestly. I took a look at the plans this morning and felt that just standing here talking to you guys would be better than actually doing this conference. We have Usher backstage, but I don’t want to punish you guys. I like you all. You’re good people. You don’t deserve that. Honestly, you may be thinking this is terrible, but this is better than what we had planned."

We clapped. And I’ll be honest, a tear fell down my face.

By the thirty minute mark, we had dragged out the Dance Central 3 developer disc and something called Fifa and had a game of hot potato. Whoever broke the items first won a T-Shirt from Greg Gorgias.

All in all, Microsoft had a fantastic press conference. I find it tough to imagine any developer beating this one this year.


-Ajar Denims

We’ve had some radio silence over the last few months, but we’re back now with coverage from E3! Viktor and I scored some tickets off of one of those kids at IGN who traded them for a “signed” copy of Episode Three (Which was just a repackaged and colored-over DVD of The Last Airbender. Don’t see that movie)

We’re sitting in the front row now, you might hear us by our clapping from the front of the audience.

We have live tweeting going on right now, so check out twitter.com/Gameoria for live tweets. We’ll have some articles up later today.

-Ajar Denims

A source close to Frictional Games, named Thomas Grip, who preferred not to be named, has given us the exclusive news that Frictional Games is working on a video game based on the popular running ARG, Marble Hornets.

Marble Hornets is an ARG about a man named Jay who receives boxes of tapes from a friend who moves away after leaving his film, Marble Hornets, incomplete. Upon viewing the tapes, his life is changed as he starts to encounter a mysterious figure that we know as the Slenderman, a Masked Man and is driven to the brink of insanity while mysteries continue to pile on.

While Marble Hornets has been running for two years now, and has recently started its third season, Frictional doesn’t want to encompass all of it into just one game.

"There’s far too much there in season one to put in one game and make it good. We have to explore each clip individually, to showcase Jay’s horrific self-preservation skills and his questionable sanity in going into a dark house where a mysterious and murderous figure may lurk at midnight with only a flashlight in his hand, and then going there a second time at night again. In the game, we want to break down Jay’s psyche as we explore how each new clip affects him. In fact, we want to confuse players and make them come up with insane and incoherent theories about how the video game plays into the events. Is the game real? Has Jay seen the game? Maybe Jay makes a series based off the game based off the series in a meta twist? There are so many routes we can go down, and we really want to explore all possible avenues."

In a twist, the anonymous Thomas Grip said that, “we will release DLC showcasing the side story of the Operator (The Slenderman) as he struggles to find his place in the world and tries to make friends. It will be an entirely new take on the series, and will hopefully clear up some questions that fans will be left pondering.”

When asked whether or not “Masky” the fan nickname for the masked figure that stalks the main characters would be getting his own DLC as well, Thomas Grip said anonymously that “Masky will not be left out, we have something special in store for him.”

You heard it here first folks, the Marble Hornets video game is set to release in 2015.

Denizens of Earth, we are proud to announce that with a revolutionary new technology we are now on Twitter, where we will post short stories that just don’t have enough content to be on the front page (Such as the revelation that Jeremy Lin is not just a Dota 2 player, but also plays a game known as basketball). We’ll also (hopefully) link to new posts at the same time, but since we’re putting resident and token old person, Jerry Coulter in charge, we can’t promise that will happen every time. The training is starting to take effect, but he still thinks Microsoft Word is Google.

Baby steps, baby steps.

So now I hear you asking. “Wait, only Twitter? What about all of the other social media sites that are out there? Like the one in China called Webia or something like that?”

Well I’ll let you know, we’re broke. That’s right, we are quite literally, poor and broke. We don’t have the time and resources to make a hundred accounts and keep them all updated. But we have made two:

Twitter.com/Gameoria is now a thing that does exist, and so is Facebook.com/Gameoria. Now you can like our page, follow us on Twitter and read about us on here!

Following and liking the site will not only support Gameoria, but will also help solve the hunger crisis in Bosnia and in New England, as well as the penguin problem in Antarctica.

Twitter exclusives:

-We’ll post updates for anytime we make a new blog post on the Tumblr

-We’ll post nonsensical ramblings from time to time

-We’ll check in on our gold farmers we hired last year in a drunken mistake

Facebook exclusives:

-No idea! That’s what the future is for though. Maybe post comments on current issues that are relevant to gaming. Or something.

Anyway, it’s getting close to midnight so I’ll leave you on this note: Gameoria is here to stay and we are going to grow and, eventually, dominate the western seaboard and become the prevalent gaming journalism site. Jerry Coulter, Viktor Brooks and I, Ajar Denims.

-Ajar Denims

You heard it here first, folks. Gameoria has returned after an extremely long and unexplained hiatus!  

Here’s what little we know about what happened: Ajar was locked up in a Czech sanitarium (where he led a rebellion and established the Principality of Fringe), I was trapped in an alternate dimension populated entirely by Nathan Fillion (please let me go back), and Sparky the Wonder Chimp was killed in a gangland style shootout in North Cleveland (we shall always remember).

But all of that is in the past/alternate dimensions! The point is, we are back and we aim to provide our readers (We’re the most popular website in Mongolia!) with quality (snicker) and 100% non-un-fictional slander!

 -Viktor Brooks

Prolific comic-book company and potential war-crime contributor DC announced today that it would be releasing Aquaman: Genesis for the SNES, after more than two decades of delays.

DC, often confused with half of a popular rock band, owns the rights to superheroes like Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, and Flash. When asked why they didn’t make a game about these more interesting characters instead, a spokesman responded:

Oh, come on. Aquaman isn’t that bad. He really needed this, he has a family to feed for Christsake.  Okay, technically his family is a bowl of goldfish. Also, he isn’t real. But dammit, contracturally we had to publish the game once the developer finished it.  Despite our best efforts to stop them, they managed to get it done. So, here it is.

Gamers, comic book fans, and baby seals have expressed an impressive amount of apathy toward the news. In fact, it seems as though the apathy has spread to even more demographics. The murder rate in Detroit plummeted 162%, down to only 527 murders per second.  These figures are being seen throughout the world, except for Orlando, Florida.  There, whale-on-whale violence at SeaWorld escalated significantly. Gameoria reporters/otters will monitor this situation closely.

-Viktor Brooks 

"(bzzzt) Hello? Can anyone hea (bzzzt) me? Am I (bzzzt) -ming through? Sorry ab (bzzzt) no updates, caught (bzzzt) time warp. Can’t (bzzzt) way out. I think it’s (bzzzt)-ursday, but I’m not sure. God (bzzzt) me, I’ll get out of this and (bzzzt) updating more often. Viktor out."
-Viktor Brooks

 

Midway Games, known for the worldwide super-hit Mortal Kombat XIII: TGIF, took the gaming world by storm today by releasing Super Roosevelt RPG, which has set sales records for every country on Earth and several moons throughout the solar system.

The game, which recieved absolutely no advertising, promotion, or even previous mention, features Theodore Roosevelt, 26th President of the United States and overall bad-ass, as the main character.  Unlike most traditional RPGs, in which the player takes control of the character, Roosevelt doesn’t take orders.  He does as he goddamn pleases because he is goddamn Teddy Roosevelt.  He lets you watch, of course, but don’t get any ideas.  Even pretending to experience TR’s life for one quarter of a femtosecond would cause a complete breakdown of the molecules in your body.  You’re safer this way.

When asked who designed this game, Midway remained silent.  Apparently TR threatened to threaten them if they even thought about revealing any of the processes of designing the game. These developers certainly won’t make a mistake like that.  That, or they won’t live long enough to regret it.  God help anyone who crosses paths with the Great and Powerful TR.  They’ll need it.

-Viktor Brooks 

 

 Today, dear friends, a victory has been achieved in the name of free speech.

 As you may or may not or vaguely know,  Gameoria recently had a blackout in protest of SOPA and PIPA.  In response to our blackout, the governments of 57 states, 5 principalities, and a village in Peru have outlawed the viewing of Gameoria under penalty listening to David Hasselhoff’s Greatest Hits for 72 straight hours.

Okay, now that I’ve scared away 99% of our viewership, it is time to treat the 1% to a bit of good news.   Soon after the ban was passed, the city council of Boston, Massachusetts passed a resolution in protest, effectively seceding from the rest of the country.  This new nation, probably to be known as New BostonFieldLand, also announced that Gameoria will be the official state news agency.

On a related note, for some reason they decided to give us complete executive control of all of Boston.  So, Ajar has named himself President, King, and Grand Poobah, while I have styled myself Emperor, General Secretary, and Specific Secretary.

 Until next time, loyal vassals!

-Viktor Brooks